Saturday, 22 February 2014

A rollercoaster ride

Like all  good new year's resolutions, my intention to keep my blog more up to date this year lasted until precisely half way through January. It is certainly not for want of things to write about it. Life feels rich and full and exciting at the moment. Whether any of it is interesting to read about or not is probably for others to judge. Perhaps it is no bad thing that I don't put pen to paper, or type to screen, too often.

Perhaps it is no bad thing either that I am too busy living life to have time to write about it: although I am not so sure about that one. Being caught up in the act of living is of course important, but I hope that living life to the full and reflecting on life don't have to be mutually exclusive. Perhaps that is one reason why the ten minute silence built in to our prayers twice a day is so important, it is a safety valve in an increasingly hectic schedule.

I am aware, of course, that living life to the full doesn't just mean being incredibly busy all the time. I am sure the two aren't always compatible and that being incredibly busy can often be a barrier to fullness of life. I am a great believer in taking time to be, not to do. To experience not to rush past. And yet at the moment, I feel life is both full in the very-busy-all-the-time-sense, and in the full-as-in-fulfilled sense of John 10:10: "I have come that you may have life in all it's fullness"

It was reflecting on a particular 24 hours of what has been a regular roller-coaster of emotional tensions that inspired this blogpost, and confirmed my reflection that yes, life at the moment is full, not because of the busy-ness of a whole host of things to do and not enough time to do them in, but because of the capacity to really feel and really live each one of them, even when I don't really have the time.

Within the space of a few days this week, I have felt frustrated to the point of wanting to give up and try something new, as well as inspired to the point of knowing this is the right place to carry on. I have felt nervous, energised, angry, excited, disappointed, enthused ... and exhausted, yes, quite a lot of exhausted. But most of all I have felt alive. The life I have chosen feels like one of heightened emotions: one where the lows hit hard but every high makes it all seem worth it.

It doesn't always make life easy. But fullness of life never promised to be easy. So if you see me in tears do not feel sorry for me, and if you hear me laughing hysterically, do not assume I have totally lost it. No, this is exactly how I want to live my life.