As of a couple of weeks ago, I am formally divorced. This is a story only snippets of which have been told here, for a number of reasons, not least that it is only partly my story to tell. But it is certainly true to say that, just as my marriage shaped my life over many years, my recent history has been impacted and shaped by its ending. The final order, confirming we are divorced was, in many ways, a mere final formality, but it nonetheless marks a line in the sand. An ending, and as with all endings, a beginning.
But that's not really what this post is about.
Since we separated, I have been asked by various people whether I will be keeping my surname: so for those who are interested, the answer is yes, I am. I can, of course, understand that for many people, a different decision feels right and appropriate, but for me, for now, this is the right choice. For my own benefit, as much as anyone else's, I decided to try to explain my reasoning.
On a purely practical level, I don't think I can face the administrative hassle of changing everything! But while the sinking sense of dread at the idea of all that paperwork might be a factor, that's not really the reason because of course I could do so if it felt right to. My decision to stick to the surname I have used for the past twenty years actually feels like a much more positive and intentional one than that.
Having married straight out of university, I have had my current surname for the whole of my adult life. The vast majority of people who know me, whether personally or professionally, have never known me by any other name. And even for those who have, it was a very long time ago. While it may have started out as me adopting "his" name, twenty years on this name is definitely also "mine" in my own right. For me, and for everyone around me, it is my current name which is instantly recognisable, which trips off the tongue. I don't think our names define us, but I do think they are part of our identity. For myself, and for almost everyone I interact with regularly, this, with the name I have, is who I am.
I tend to think it is significant that our names are, primarily, gifted to us: an acknowledgement that our communities contribute to our identity. (I say this not, of course, to cast judgement on anyone who, for different reasons and in different circumstances, chooses their own name) In a sense, of course, it was a choice to change my name when I got married although it was, to be honest, one to which I gave very little thought. Even twenty years ago, I think there was much more of an assumption (from me as much as anyone else) that I would change my name. I suspect, if I was marrying now (spoiler alert, no, its not something I'm considering!) it would be something I would give more consideration to: But on balance, I don't look back and wish I'd done so at the time.
In a statement that comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody, I have quite a community orientated view of life. In getting married, I joined not just a husband, but his family: and I was welcomed into a new family with open arms and open hearts. My surname is also a connection to them. There are a myriad of both jokes and horror stories about in-laws but I have said from day 1 (though maybe not out loud often enough) that I am incredibly lucky with mine. The changes and turbulence of recent years have proved it even more so. I know that connection is not created by, and would not be broken by, a name. There are plenty of people I consider part of my family with whom I never have and never will share a name, but I think it is appropriate to acknowledge that my continued sense of belonging is a factor in why my name still feels like a good fit. I know I will always have a place in my biological family, I am lucky enough that I am confident I will always have a place in this family too. I guess, strictly speaking, that final order bit of paper means in "law" is no longer strictly true, but those who know me, will know I am not one to think that either biology or the law gets to have the final word in who we are allowed to call family.
The people who gifted me my childhood names helped shape who I have become. Those who gifted me my married one, no less so. I am not in a place where I want to in anyway deny how significant my married life has been in shaping the person I am today. I realise it is a privilege that I can still say this. While there are of course unbroken threads running through, I know I am not the same person as the 23-year-old me who first signed a new name. A multitude of different experiences have contributed to that, not all of them directly related to being married, but all of them lived out with the name I have now. Reverting to my maiden name just doesn't doesn't seem the right fit for who I have become as a result of all that I have lived in between. Simply put, that name just doesn't really feel mine, any more, in the way my current one does.
All of this might make it seem like I gave a huge amount of thought to deciding whether to keep my current name: which is not strictly speaking true. As with changing my name at the beginning of my marriage, keeping my name at the end of it came down to the fact that it instinctively just felt right. This is just me subsequently musing and working out why.
