20 years

20 years (and a few days) ago, I graduated from Lancaster University and got married. It marked the end, and then the beginning of hugely significant parts of my life. 

Although my degree officially took four years, if you take out the year in France and work out the maths on just how short university terms are, I actually only spent a total of 99 weeks at Lancaster University, the equivalent of less than two years ... and yet it very definitely changed who I was. I learned quite a bit about English and French, a fair amount of which I have since forgotten, but also a whole lot about life. I found my tribe, found my joy and found myself. 

I graduated and got married two days apart (because why wouldn't you do all the dressing up in one go?) My memories of graduation day are fairly hazy: of the two, the wedding was by far the more significant and memorable event. It was, if I do say so myself, a very good wedding and an incredibly special day. I am still proud of the ceremony and party we created, of the things we prioritised and included, of the parts of ourselves we put into the day. I also remain very grateful for the community of people it brought together around us. 

The photo of the 300+ people who helped us celebrate, which includes many, possibly even most, of those who formed our communities at the time, is still on my wall, and still brings a smile to my face. There are quite a number of people in the picture who remain hugely important to me, as well as many from whom I have drifted apart and some who are no longer with us. In many ways, it still seems strange to think just how many of those I now count among my community don't feature in it: although I suppose it should be no surprise that in twenty years so many more people have come to be part of the many overlapping circles in which I mix. I am still adapting to a much newer reality that we both now have people who are really significant to us who are complete strangers, unknown to the other.

The day itself holds a special place in my heart, but, of course, it was always about much more than just that. For many of the years between then and now, my marriage shaped the places I (we) went, the things I (we) did, the adventures I (we) had, the causes I (we) fought for, the families I (we) are part of, the friendships I (we) built, the communities I (we) created, the lives I (we) lived ... the person I have become. There were challenges too, for sure, but there are very few regrets. I stand by my belief that my marriage enriched my life in immeasurable ways, something for which I will always remain grateful. 

Life has moved on, in all sorts of ways, since 2004. I am not the person I was then, although firm foundations for who I would become had certainly already been laid. Probably 20 years into the future, I will be just as different from who I am today. Society has long since left behind the days when people's lives might have mostly looked very similar twenty years on: with the same 'job for life', in the same locality, amidst the same friendships and community. I, and many of those I know, have lived in different places (including different countries), I have had multiple jobs, I have lost contact with people who mattered to me, just because our lives have drifted in different directions, I have been welcomed into or helped create new communities around me. I've attended different churches, been part of different social groups, explored different interests, developed different skills. 

Almost every aspect of the life I live looks different: and for the most part that is widely accepted and even celebrated. The 'what comes next' doesn't devalue the 'what came before'. I love Birmingham, but I am glad I have had opportunities to live in Paris and the Philippines and on the stunning coast of Northern Ireland before landing up here (for now). I describe my current work as a vocation, but see / saw teaching as a vocation too. My new friendships don't detract from the previous ones. These aren't necessarily things I walked away from easily or painlessly, but I accepted life was taking me in new directions. It has taken me time to accept that it is ok to see changes in relationships, even married ones with binding vows, in the same way too. 

Even though I am now well settled into another new phase of life, and even though a few short paragraphs could never hope to sum up everything my marriage gave me over many years, it feels appropriate to note and mark the passing of such a significant anniversary.