Tired

Whilst there are, of course, plenty of things that I don't write about here (for a whole variety of reasons including the fact that no-one needs to be bored by the minutiae of my daily life!), I have always aspired for it to be a relatively honest and authentic glimpse into the life I am trying to live.

Right now, I think that means acknowledging that I am tired. Not the "I need a good night's sleep and I'll be fine in the morning" kind of tired. Something deeper than that.

This is not an easy thing for me to admit: even to myself. Perhaps saying it here in a public space is almost easier than admitting it in the hidden recesses of my own mind.

I like being able to keep going and keep busy. I have, I know, acquired something of a reputation for boundless, tigger-like energy. I have made no secret of the fact that, rightly or wrongly, purpose and productivity matter to me. 

And I'm not saying any of that has entirely deserted me. I am still saying yes to projects which excite me and inspire me and which have the potential to do good. I am still putting the same energy into singing and telling stories to little people with actions and silly voices as I ever have. I was still mad enough to paddle in a freezing stream at the weekend. I am still trying to be meaningfully present to the people who I care about.  

But I am tired. 

I recognise that some of things I am doing are costing me more energy than they usually would. I have temporarily lost at least some of my creative spark. I am, perhaps, not always being as patient as I have aspire to be. I definitely haven't replied to all the emails I should have done! 

I am not intending to use this space to analyse all the reasons or work out the solutions ... though I have been doing plenty of both in my own head. I am certainly not trying to compare whether I have it harder than anyone else: trust me, I know plenty of people who have it much, much worse than me, but I also know comparison isn't always helpful. I am not seeking sympathy or advice. 

I am just trying to be honest to how I feel right now because that in itself matters.