Life choices

I was recently trying to answer a question ... I can't remember exactly how it was worded, but the basic premise was why have you chosen to live your life the way you do: community, work, stuff I am involved in ... a life which is a bit less conventional than the one they had, I guess, identified I could be living. 

I think I probably gave a rather waffly answer (no change there then) so this is my attempt to write the (slightly) more coherent (but probably still quite waffly) answer I wish I'd given.

Privilege

One thing I undoubtedly failed to acknowledge but of which I am in fact acutely aware, is the level of privilege which has certainly been a factor in allowing me to make many of the choices I have made. I know that the range of possibilities from which I am able to make my life choices are not something available to everyone and are not of my own making. Not everyone starts out in life with as many options. I am lucky enough to have had access to a good education and have good qualifications to fall back on; I have always had very good mental and physical health; I have a safety net of family and friends who are able to offer me security and support in immeasurable ways should I need it; I have a British passport not because I deserve one but because I happen to have been born here. None of this is of my own doing.   

Perspective

I think one of the reasons I struggle with this question is I'm not sure I feel that my life is so very unconventional, or radical, which was a word that also came up in that conversation. I have lots of the trappings of a comfortable middle class life. I know plenty of people who are doing far more radical and impressive things with their lives, who have made choices I can't even begin to contemplate.

So much depends on where we are looking. Some of those who did their teacher training at the same time as me have probably climbed the career ladder and are head teachers by now (not that I envy them that). But Martin Luther King had lead the civil rights movement and got assassinated at about my age so ... 

Prayer

I did talk about prayer. I find it quite difficult to talk coherently about the importance of prayer in shaping my life ... although those of you who follow this blog will know I have used a good many words in the attempt! I genuinely believe that a commitment to a regular routine of prayer has been an essential element in shaping the life I lead. Not as a direct cause and effect, "Jesus told me today to do this so I did" but in some way that is deeper and more mysterious than that.

Partly it's about stopping. About having conscious time when I am not 'doing' am simply 'being'. There is something in that of accepting not being in control, not having to do everything.  

Partly it is about experiencing the unconditional love of God. There is something about knowing myself to be loved which both helps me cope with all the stuff I cannot do, all the problems I cannot solve as well as feeding my capacity to offer my own imperfect version of that love to others. There is something about love which overcomes fear: the fear of the future, the fear of letting go of some of our security blankets, the fear of the other, the fear of the unknown.

I am, I hasten to add, casting no judgement on the many amazing people doing phenomenal things with their lives in whose lives prayer does not feature. We are all on our own journeys. This is mine.  

Process

All of this has been and still is a journey. I can look back and know I am not the person I was ten years ago, or twenty years ago. I hope I will say the same ten and twenty years from now. Each decision feeds other decisions. My life hasn't involved any major u-turns, any complete re-orderings of my values, principles or lifestyle, any starting again from scratch with a different worldview. 

I wrote that and then realised I did at one point go from teaching in an academically selective private school on the outskirts of Paris where I could have fresh baguette for breakfast and visit the Eiffel Tower on a school night to living in a religious community and teaching in a vocational training centre for disadvantaged young adults in the Philippines which could, on the surface, look like a pretty major shift!

But overall, it still feels true to say that life hasn't been, mostly, about big decisions, but about little steps which have engendered experiences which have lead to other little steps. 

Certainly that is true of my passion and commitment to attempting to be in solidarity with those who have sought sanctuary in the UK. When I moved to Birmingham I knew little about those issues. I offered to volunteer at the Sanctuary, not because I cared deeply about refugees, but because I was looking for volunteering opportunities that would use my gifts and they needed English teachers and I thought I could probably do that. It was the people I met, the stories I heard, the friendships I made that brought me to where I am now. 

One foot in front of the other. Step by little step, it is a journey which feels like it has taken and is taking me to somewhere very beautiful and exciting. There's the risk of all sorts of cliches and potential internet memes in this, but, from experience, it feels true. Each step leads to the next one.

I really really wanted to come up with another word beginning with p to make my final point, but unless I fall back on privilege again, I can't think of an appropriate one.

So the other struggle I have when answering this question is that I wonder whether it comes from a place of others feeling like I am making a huge sacrifice by the way I have chosen to live. And that's just not how it feels from where I am standing.   

OK, I acknowledge, probably (although nothing is ever guaranteed) I could have more material wealth than I have if I had made some different choices along the way. But I don't feel like I am making any great sacrifices, that I am experiencing any hardship. I still live an extremely comfortable, privileged life.

I do work hard, mostly. I do witness pain and suffering and there is a cost to that. I do get angry and frustrated at a church, society and world which I believe could be so much better. I do at times feel powerless and occasionally overwhelmed. And yes, life can be draining and exhausting. (But hey, my other option was being a teacher and most of them are permanently tired too!)  

But all of that is far, far outweighed by the fact that when it comes to all the things that really matter, my life has been immeasurably enriched by the encounters and experiences that I have been privileged to have. The main beneficiary, the person who gets the most from the way I live my life is, undoubtedly, me.

I am not saying I am happy every moment of every day. My life involves tears as well as lots and lots of laughter: and I wouldn't want it not to. But on balance, at a deeper level, I am living a life which brings me great joy. 

I wouldn't exchange it... But nor am I content to stand still. I know there are more steps ahead. I don't know what they are yet. I trust they will also take me to places which are even more beautiful.