Reasons to smile

My last two blogposts have been distinctly less than cheery. I make no apology for that: too much online presence, particularly on social media, presents an overly glamourised version of reality and I have always aspired for this blog to be an honest reflection of reality. 

That said, my life also remains filled with joy and laughter and many blessings for which I am incredibly grateful so in the name of balance now feels like an appropriate moment to share a long overdue blog post that's been unfinished in my drafts folder for a while.

There are always reasons to smile ... even in the cold, dreary winter months! But sometimes we do have to remind ourselves to seek them out, or at least to recognise them. Following previous incarnations of various joy / gratitude journals, when the nights started drawing in and the clocks changed, I started another.

My intention was to continue until the clocks changed back again but I realised I was going to run out of pages in my notebook so instead, I made the final entry on 22.02.2022 

Some days I had to think harder than others but there was never a day with nothing to say. Some are big things: news, achievements, events, celebrations. Many more are little things: sunshine after the rain, a passing affirmative comment, a favourite dish, flowers heralding spring, a moment of shared laughter, coming in from the cold to a hot cup of tea. On some days it is a perhaps slightly incongruous mix of the two. It is a varied and wide ranging collection which captures something of the beauty of nature, my gratitude for the many privileges of my comfortable life, and perhaps more than anything the love and friendship of the many wonderful people I share my life with. And now it stands as a reminder of the many things which filled me with joy and with gratitude.

I ran out of pages, I stopped taking the time each day to make a note: but I haven't run out of reasons to smile.

Rwanda

This week the Home Secretary hit a new low (which is saying something, given the cruelty already embedded in the hostile environment for people who arrive here seeking sanctuary) by announcing that the latest "solution" for how to respond to people who have fled war and persecution and arrived here via the only routes available to them is to ship them to Rwanda, not to be processed and brought back if found to have a genuine need of protection but on a one-way ticket. 

The Home Office claims the deal will stop human trafficking. The definition of human trafficking, I would posit, is to move people from one country to another, against their will, and for money to change hands in the process allowing people to profit from this trade in human lives. Far from stopping human trafficking, then, it seems like the Rwanda Scheme is a somewhat sordid case of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". You would think we would have learned from history that state-sponsored trading in people is not good practice.

The timing of the announcement, a blatant example of trying to distract from epic government failures, by inflicting further misery on some of the most vulnerable in society only adds to its despicable nature.

The Home Secretary's accusation that those who object have no viable alternatives makes it clear she has closed her ears to many of those who work with people who have sought asylum here, to say nothing of the sanctuary-seekers themselves, because I have heard lots of much better ideas.

There is a very simple way to stop people getting into the backs of lorries or into flimsy dinghies to cross the channel ... something nobody would do if they had a viable alternative, which would be to offer safe passage, allowing people to travel by regular means to arrive in the UK and exercise their rights under the legally binding UN refugee convention to which we are signatories.

There is a very simple way to not have thousands of people caught up in the asylum system, which would be to process their claims efficiently, fairly and compassionately. A number of my friends have waited literally years before being, ultimately told that yes, they did have a well-founded fear of persecution and had the right to and need of our protection. Of the people who I know who have arrived in the last couple years, I can barely name any who have even had the interview which gives them the opportunity to share the story on which their asylum claim will be assessed.  

Anyway, back to Rwanda.

I have heard the Rwanda plan called out because it is against international law, UK law or both.

But even if it is found to be entirely legal ... it is still wrong.

I have heard the Rwanda plan called out for being unworkable and expensive.

But even if it can be delivered efficiently and effectively with huge cost savings to the government ... it is still wrong.

I have heard the Rwanda plan called out because although initially targeting single men, there is no assurance it won't be extended to include women and children. 

But even if it only ever men who are sent ... it is still wrong. 

I have heard the Rwanda plan called out for the likelihood that it will not in fact be an effective deterrent to those who will still undertake dangerous journeys.

But even if it does reduce the number of desperate people who make their way to our shores ... it is still wrong.

I have heard the Rwanda plan called out because of Rwanda's own human rights record and questions around how the people who claim asylum there are treated.

But even if this was a deal with the country with the very best human rights record and refugee protection in the world ... it is still wrong.

It is wrong for one simple reason.

Lost in all of the Home Office rhetoric about "migrants" and "illegality" is a fundamental reality...

Humanity.

All those who will be effected by this deal are human beings. 

They are people just like us. 

I do get the need to be pragmatic, to use arguments that will serve to convince those who don't already agree, and those whose morally compasses are seemingly rather askew. I'm sure I too will retweet the tweets pointing out all the side issues with this sordid deal.

But all that aside, let us not lose sight that this is, simply, wrong.

And for the sake of my friends, among whom I have seen in the past week increased levels of unsettledness and anxiety and fear, I will call it out for what it is.

The past month

There are a number of intertwined reasons why it is has been more than a month since I last posted anything here; the simplest of which is that I have been, objectively, too busy.

My series of hectic weeks was a combination of having planned perhaps slightly too many things, but also having a slightly higher than usual number of unplanned things that required an immediate response which therefore took up the non-existent-slack all coming at once. This is not the place for a list of all the many and varied things I have got up to in the last month, that isn't the point. Suffice it to say that many, most, perhaps even all of both the planned and the unplanned, I felt were good things to be doing, things where I had the potential to make a positive difference, things I think I was right to say yes to. Not to mention that it included plenty of joy and fun along the way.

I do know I have a tendency towards taking on too much, and, being aware of the tendency, I have tried quite hard to create balance and find ways and means of having switch off time. And actually, I know, from experience, that to have odd weeks where my busy-ness has an unsustainable feel to it is probably ok, so long as it isn't every week stretching on for ever.

And although it is true that I have had a few hectic weeks, I don't actually think it was as simple as the sheer number and variety of appointments and activities in my diary that pushed me to the edge of feeling overwhelmed. Because overwhelm isn't just about diary space, it is also about headspace: and switching off strategies have to be about headspace as well as diary space.

In the midst of what promised to already be a very busy period the Ukraine crisis hit: and both in practical and emotional levels added to my sense of overload. It also felt like the thing I should, and not just should but wanted to, write about, but although I tried a number of times, I couldn't put in to words what I wanted to say write.

It seemed the whole country watched in horror as Ukrainians were forced to flee from the home in the face of bombs dropped by a foreign power. It prompted an outpouring of compassion and the desire to help. Social media and public spaces were awash with blue and yellow flags. Even the Daily Mail came out in support of welcoming refugees.

And of course I knew I was supposed to want to celebrate such a show of generosity and concern and welcome ... but the whole thing made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable. It is not as if feeling deeply uncomfortable with reactions to refugees is anything new: the hostile environment provides ample opportunities for that, but this was a bit different because it came, at least ostensibly, from a place of goodwill and kindness. I am sure this internal struggle to find the the right ways to respond to the subtle and not so subtle racism inherent in so much of what I saw; the right words to gently challenge those who seemed oblivious to the unhelpful refugees narrative they were, perhaps subconsciously, helping to perpetuate, was one of the things which has been exhausting recently.

There was another facet to the whole Ukraine situation which deeply affected me too, which was seeing the direct impact it had on many of my friends who are still stuck in the asylum process. It felt like for some it was really the straw that broke the camels back in terms of mental health as I watched people struggle with anger and despair, that their own suffering and their own situations did not illicit the same sympathetic response. I had no answer for the person who asked why we "didn't even know about my country's war?". I had no answer as to why Ukrainian refugees would immediately be given the right to work while many of them, who were desperate to work and to contribute were still denied that right after several / many years. They didn't need me to answer. I had no challenge when they said that the difference was because they are white and European, because ultimately, I knew they were right.

*           *          *

Then, last week I spent a few days walking part of Northern Leg of Pilgrim Cross. Five days of long walks, of late night conversations and of sleeping on church hall floors are perhaps not best approached from a position of already being exhausted; but actually, while I didn't manage to switch off entirely form the rest of life, spending five days walking in the countryside under sunny skies surrounded by friends was exactly what I needed. It is an all-encompassing experience which, although it was physically tiring, was also a reasonably effective mental rest.

Prior to that I had also had helpful conversations with both my Birch supervisor and the person I meet with regularly as my 'sounding board' about the Stories project, among others.

I came back to a relatively busy work day, which involved both facilitating a new hosting placement and helping run an Easter activity afternoon for families in initial accommodation; as well as to the news that the government, in its latest desperate attempt to distract from its own failings had sunk to a new low in its plans to export asylum seekers for cash.

But I also came back to several days of not setting a morning alarm, to plenty of gaps in my diary for a few days, to a commitment, which I have honoured, to carving out some personal space to rest and relax.

*           *          *

The Rwanda policy, as the latest step in an increasingly abhorrent approach to how we treat those seeking sanctuary on our shores, has caused many of my friends to experience new levels of fear and anxiety about the precariousness of their situation in a place where all they are asking for is safety and welcome. Next week it is highly likely the Nationality and Borders Bill will once again be passed by the Commons, probably with most or all of the Lords' amendments attempting to make it marginally more humane removed.

But I have stepped back from the place of feeling overwhelmed. My energy levels are topped back up.

And today it is Easter.

So I will continue to believe that goodness is stronger than evil, even where evil appears to prevail; I will continue to believe that light can dispel the darkness, even when the world feels like a very sombre place.

I will continue the fight to make it so.