The past month

There are a number of intertwined reasons why it is has been more than a month since I last posted anything here; the simplest of which is that I have been, objectively, too busy.

My series of hectic weeks was a combination of having planned perhaps slightly too many things, but also having a slightly higher than usual number of unplanned things that required an immediate response which therefore took up the non-existent-slack all coming at once. This is not the place for a list of all the many and varied things I have got up to in the last month, that isn't the point. Suffice it to say that many, most, perhaps even all of both the planned and the unplanned, I felt were good things to be doing, things where I had the potential to make a positive difference, things I think I was right to say yes to. Not to mention that it included plenty of joy and fun along the way.

I do know I have a tendency towards taking on too much, and, being aware of the tendency, I have tried quite hard to create balance and find ways and means of having switch off time. And actually, I know, from experience, that to have odd weeks where my busy-ness has an unsustainable feel to it is probably ok, so long as it isn't every week stretching on for ever.

And although it is true that I have had a few hectic weeks, I don't actually think it was as simple as the sheer number and variety of appointments and activities in my diary that pushed me to the edge of feeling overwhelmed. Because overwhelm isn't just about diary space, it is also about headspace: and switching off strategies have to be about headspace as well as diary space.

In the midst of what promised to already be a very busy period the Ukraine crisis hit: and both in practical and emotional levels added to my sense of overload. It also felt like the thing I should, and not just should but wanted to, write about, but although I tried a number of times, I couldn't put in to words what I wanted to say write.

It seemed the whole country watched in horror as Ukrainians were forced to flee from the home in the face of bombs dropped by a foreign power. It prompted an outpouring of compassion and the desire to help. Social media and public spaces were awash with blue and yellow flags. Even the Daily Mail came out in support of welcoming refugees.

And of course I knew I was supposed to want to celebrate such a show of generosity and concern and welcome ... but the whole thing made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable. It is not as if feeling deeply uncomfortable with reactions to refugees is anything new: the hostile environment provides ample opportunities for that, but this was a bit different because it came, at least ostensibly, from a place of goodwill and kindness. I am sure this internal struggle to find the the right ways to respond to the subtle and not so subtle racism inherent in so much of what I saw; the right words to gently challenge those who seemed oblivious to the unhelpful refugees narrative they were, perhaps subconsciously, helping to perpetuate, was one of the things which has been exhausting recently.

There was another facet to the whole Ukraine situation which deeply affected me too, which was seeing the direct impact it had on many of my friends who are still stuck in the asylum process. It felt like for some it was really the straw that broke the camels back in terms of mental health as I watched people struggle with anger and despair, that their own suffering and their own situations did not illicit the same sympathetic response. I had no answer for the person who asked why we "didn't even know about my country's war?". I had no answer as to why Ukrainian refugees would immediately be given the right to work while many of them, who were desperate to work and to contribute were still denied that right after several / many years. They didn't need me to answer. I had no challenge when they said that the difference was because they are white and European, because ultimately, I knew they were right.

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Then, last week I spent a few days walking part of Northern Leg of Pilgrim Cross. Five days of long walks, of late night conversations and of sleeping on church hall floors are perhaps not best approached from a position of already being exhausted; but actually, while I didn't manage to switch off entirely form the rest of life, spending five days walking in the countryside under sunny skies surrounded by friends was exactly what I needed. It is an all-encompassing experience which, although it was physically tiring, was also a reasonably effective mental rest.

Prior to that I had also had helpful conversations with both my Birch supervisor and the person I meet with regularly as my 'sounding board' about the Stories project, among others.

I came back to a relatively busy work day, which involved both facilitating a new hosting placement and helping run an Easter activity afternoon for families in initial accommodation; as well as to the news that the government, in its latest desperate attempt to distract from its own failings had sunk to a new low in its plans to export asylum seekers for cash.

But I also came back to several days of not setting a morning alarm, to plenty of gaps in my diary for a few days, to a commitment, which I have honoured, to carving out some personal space to rest and relax.

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The Rwanda policy, as the latest step in an increasingly abhorrent approach to how we treat those seeking sanctuary on our shores, has caused many of my friends to experience new levels of fear and anxiety about the precariousness of their situation in a place where all they are asking for is safety and welcome. Next week it is highly likely the Nationality and Borders Bill will once again be passed by the Commons, probably with most or all of the Lords' amendments attempting to make it marginally more humane removed.

But I have stepped back from the place of feeling overwhelmed. My energy levels are topped back up.

And today it is Easter.

So I will continue to believe that goodness is stronger than evil, even where evil appears to prevail; I will continue to believe that light can dispel the darkness, even when the world feels like a very sombre place.

I will continue the fight to make it so.